Monday, August 22, 2016

on coming back (the post where I explain my return to facebook).

Two years ago, I indefinitely deactivated my Facebook account. The why behind that decision: read here. In reality, it's sort of been almost four years since I've been on. I left on my mission in 2012, came home in 2014 (no fb during that time) added mission friends and people of texas/louisiana and then got back off.

So, hello 2016.

I knew I would come back to the social network, because of necessity, but also knew it had to be at a time when I felt ready.

For two years I had a "fake facebook" account. An account I actually shared with a friend that had my name attributed to it, her name as the password. It was used solely for being a part of groups: law school, MPA, ward, yadda yadda. I had zero friends on the account. Anytime I got friend requests on the account I'd hit "reject" and be flooded with guilt. I'd tell myself, "It's a rejection of social media, not of that person!" & I'd feel like I had to explain the whole mess in person. "It's not you, it's me!"

So fast forward to now.

During the summer, I started having dreams of people in the peripheries of my life—people I hadn't thought of in years. Where were they? What were they doing? Were they okay? I'd brush off the dreams, but I just kept having these nagging feelings that I needed to contact some of these people. But how????

I didn't want to accept the easiest answer: Facebook.

It almost didn't happen.
I almost didn't get back on.

Right before I did, I searched 'social media' on and explored this page, but like how do you even share goodness? Maybe this whole debacle of mine seems silly to you, but it was a very real dilemma in my mind. I sat on my bed the Sunday before my birthday and tried to figure out if getting back on social media was something I should actually do...  It was then that a Pinterest quote (of all things) came into my thoughts and saved the day, "think of what could go right!"

& with that thought, I instantlyquickly before I could change my mind, jumped out of bed and grabbed my fifth grade panorama, my middle school and high school yearbooks, splayed them out on my bed and attempted to log on. I italicize because I had completely forgotten my password. I had to make a new one which was perfect because I chose something that would serve as a reminder behind my purpose in coming back.

I spent HOURS sending friend requests and forming groups for my 5th, 8th, and 12th grade classes. I was sort of late to church because of it. #sharegoodness? I went on an invite to group craze, so much so that FB put a freeze on my account. I had to write an "I'm not a robot, just a girl on a yearbook frenzy" message and go through a series of "pick the picture that has a dolphin in it" -esque tests. You know the ones! Or do you?

Groups are a given for BYU wards, and so I thought nothing of my group forming escapade. I was genuinely surprised no one had made them before. & felt really grateful that I acted on the impression after I got lots of messages/comments/etc from classmates thanking me for putting the groups together.

I'm not going to lie, I got a bit emotional as I saw the great humans my former classmates had become!!!! It was an incredible lesson in humility and a testament to Heavenly Father's hand in everyone's life. I felt a little bit smaller because of it, but in a wondrous a brightly beaming star that is part of an immensely glorious galaxy.

I don't think there's any other way to describe the gut feeling nudge to return to Facebook except for describing it as what I believe it to have been: a prompting.

I'm not fully fb-functional I've given myself parameters. Like, starting this week only going on fb on Sundays with a caveat that if there's some sort of crazy-connection or too good to not share miracle, then I'll log on. I may be back on facebook, but I'm still equipped with my weaknesses. It's a lifelong process & I'm still figuring out how to exactly, "share goodness." Re-entering the lives of peripheral classmates just seemed like the right start to get me there.


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