There are heartbreaks
& plan altering changes.
We don't get to choose when adversity piles up on us. In my case, everything piled up on me during the first two weeks of school. I found myself fighting back tears, willing my eyes not to cry the first two weeks of class. I don't share this to evoke pity or to somehow subliminally tell you to reach out to me. I share this to show that no one is immune to bad days or weeks.
I don't want this online slice of my life to somehow be deceptive.
At the start of this bump in the road I wanted to get rebellious—but I couldn't.
I thought of all the things I would stop doing—but I couldn't.
I went down to my car in the parking garage & sat there and cried & told Heavenly Father that I was mad at Him, that this heartbreak wasn't fair. I heard/felt this voice softly say, "I'm okay with you being mad at me," which of course made the tears flow even stronger.
I found myself reading more conference talks during those first couple of days than I had previously in any previously given month. I took comfort in these words by Elder Robert D. Hales:
On a few occasions, I told the Lord that I had surely learned the lessons to be taught and that it wouldn't be necessary for me to endure any more suffering. Such entreaties seemed to be of no avail, for it was made clear to me that this purifying process of testing was to be endured in the Lord's time and in the Lord's own way. It is one thing to teach, 'Thy will be done.' It is another to live it. (from "The Covenant of Baptism: To Be in the Kingdom and Of the Kingdom," October 2000)During this time period, I had phrases from previous personal gospel study sessions come to my memory, "thank you Mr. Gardener," "but if not," "come what may & love it," and the words from the hymn "More Holiness Give Me." I'm still not 100% over it, I'm still feeling the pain, but I try my best to work through it. I go on runs, I try and focus more on others, but there is still an internal drizzle at times. It's become more of a summer storm with pockets of sunshine rather than the internal monsoon I experienced the first two weeks of school.
One night after a particularly good day, when I was too tired to write in my journal, I felt impressed to write down a list of good things that had happened in my life in the midst of the stormy conditions. I end with this list as evidence that even in the darkest of times there can still appear flecks of illuminating light.
A list of good things.
1. I had a really great dream
2. I woke up to a text from Franc saying he had bought his ticket to Salt Lake!
3. My mom's Disney quote/text of the day made me smile.
4. I ran into a really cute boy 3 times and (HE GOES TO DEVOTIONALS!!!)
5.Erika made me a clean hands, pure hearts print
6. I did really well in my comms class
7. I ran into a boy from freshman year who is as of late has been so kind and friendly to me
8.Got my eyebrows done
9. Ran 3 miles in record time
10. Shelby made Sis Crawford's pumpkin chocolate chip muffins #missionostalgia
11. I inadvertently had an opportunity to serve a girl in the ward
12. Lauren C. came over randomly to surprise me with a sweet card and a cactus that I have since named 'Will.'
13. Amanda W. sent me the sweetest text saying the nicest things about me
14. My mejor Amiga sent me a text out of the blue #8stringfiddlekindofday
15. My missing textbooks arrived in the mail
16. I understood Econ
17. Devotional was basically a recap of articles that I had been assigned to read the previous week+all that I had personally studied last week+my relief society lesson
18. The weather is crisper
19. There is beautiful rain